ANNA (not true name) was in a committed relationship with Bob (not real name) for two years. They met each other on LINKEDIN, a professional networking website. Bob sent Anna a message and said she had a beautiful spirit. They two quickly came to realize that they had much in common. They met. The sparks flew and they fell in love. They attended many family events together and took the time to learn about the others culture. It seemed like a match made in heaven. Many viewed their relationship as solid and were happy that the two had finally found LOVE.
After a beautiful thanksgiving and celebrating their second anniversary, Anna found out from a friend that Bob had been on a dating site for several months. Anna was devastated. She spoke to Bob who denied it at first, then later admitted it. She broke up with him and he quickly disappeared…off LINKEDIN and out of her life. She later discovered that Bob had been deceitful to her for months. He had not only been on dating sites, but had sexual relationships with at least three different women. He also moved during their relationship and never told her. Anna was told that he had contacted several women on LINKEDIN. Bob supposedly sent lingerie ‘out of the blue’ to a woman he never dated. Bob was alleged to have been caught looking at pornography at a workplace. The guy she once called her angel became a monster she did not know. Gulp. It was like one of those stories you would watch on Dateline or 20/20 – sleeping with the enemy.
Anna adored Bob and Bob appeared to love her truly. Anna started feeling very ill in the last month and a half of the relationship. She became so sick that she could barely walk and she was in excruciating pain. After the relationship ended, so did her pain. You see, Anna’s spirit could see right through the mask that Bob was wearing. The spirit recognized Bob for what he was and was essentially telling Anna’s body to repel him. Anna was getting inclinations about Bob, yet never followed her inner voice.
Anna also noticed that during the relationship that Bob had financial problems, was consistently late and put many things ahead of her – volunteer work, singing, community events and family. Anna thought it noble that he was so loving and caring and helping others. Looking back, Anna now recognizes how Bob used these reasons to hide his infidelity. Bob was so sweet, always smiled, never complained, was helpful and was grateful to God on a daily basis for what he had in his life. Bob used spirituality as a hook to bait Anna. Bob knew that God was very important to Anna and he knew how to role play this character to his advantage. Bob in fact was un-spiritual. He was deceitful, untrustworthy and unreliable. He lied to everyone who didn’t know about his dark side.
He was very handsome and appeared of good character until the deceit was revealed. He became cold, distant and unapologetic and said he didn’t want commitment. Anna discovered that one of Bob’s ex’s had experienced the same with Bob. He was on dating sites while they lived together. She said Bob just doesn’t understand commitment and also has issues to resolve from his past should he ever want to be in a “healthy” relationship.
Bob came from an extremely dysfunctional past: violence, drug and alcohol abuse, foster care and poverty. Anna thought he was the Phoenix that rose above the ashes, transforming his life and leading others to the ‘light’. He obviously has perverted views about women, relationships and commitment. This is likely the result of experiences from his childhood. It is highly likely that there was sexual and/or physical trauma in his past. Bob’s inner child never healed. The child in him is still crying for help. Bob requires significant counseling and support programs to overcome the power of his subconscious mind (past) and change his life for the better. This is only if he ‘gets it’ and chooses to get help.
Bob should have been honest with Anna and told her that he was not interested in being committed to her. When someone plays the role of a character, eventually the facade will be burst open. Always. Bob had drug and alcohol issues, a criminal record: all 20+ years ago. He appeared to have changed his life, yet just diverted his addiction from alcohol and drugs to women. His wrong ‘behaviors’ continued: cheating and trickery. Anna should had put her foot down long ago when he was constantly late and cancelling plans at the last minute. It’s also fair to say that someone who isn’t responsible financially is not an ideal person to put your trust in. If they can’t manage finances, how do they manage relationships and other important responsibilities?
When Anna spoke to Bob about commitment, Bob usually diverted the topic. That is a very good sign that he’s just not into Anna. Anna became someone reliable and steady to have sex with. Bob was well versed on getting the things he wanted through deceit. He was getting the royal treatment at Anna’s house when he visited her: food, shelter, a shower and a clean bed. She even let him borrow her car for several months when he had vehicle issues. Bingo! Red flags!
• Set your boundaries, don’t let anyone come up with excuses for often being late or cancelling.
• If a person has financial problems, don’t be their Sugar Mamma or Daddy. Let them FIX their own problems. They created it, they can fix it.
• If you want commitment and the other person dodges the question, then find someone who is wanting the same.
• Players do not commit. They are into self-gratification. Period.
• Make a list of the characteristics that you want in a mate. If a prospective mate doesn’t meet at least 80% of your wants, then keep looking.
Don’t settle for a better-then-nothing relationship!
• You are amazing alone. Enjoy all the things you love to do! Don’t jump into a relationship and make it seem perfect when it really isn’t.
• Ms. or Mr. Right is out there. Why settle for Jell-O when you can have delicious mouth-watering cherry double-chocolate cheesecake!
• When there is a scratch across a record, it will always skip. People can change, but history is a good indicator of future behavior.
• Listen to your inner voice; your spirit will speak to you through your intuition and your body.
• Flags! When you start seeing flags, then it’s time to make an honest choice.
• Don’t rely on your sex life to gauge a relationship. If it’s fantastic in the bedroom and no-where else, then the relationship is not going to last.
CHARLENE IS A LIFE COACH – FOR COACHING IN MANY AREA’S OF LIFE